John Mayer-Musician, Internet User, Pigeon Fearer.
Dear J. May, I noticed for some fucking reason, one of your tweets the other day and it was so moronic I just had to write about it. You dick.
‘Crazy storm this afternoon. Took out a lot of stage gear. 
I can only imagine two pigeons high fiving over a weather machine’
Look, as little as I care about your stage equipment getting destroyed, I am utterly intrigued by your reasoning’s. Oh, I mean, I am utterly intrigued by your reasoning, you fucking douche. I’m not in the habit of trusting you, so you could be lying to us, I suppose. God knows you’ve done it before.
But this tweet presents two problems with your mental health. Actually, three. Well, more, but three I’m going to mention.
One. You believe a big machine controls the weather. Life isn’t an episode of Family Guy, J. May, you dick (thank God for that. My life already has enough unfunny non-sequitors and pointless detours). I know you hate corpations, despite being a corporate and general tool yourself. Is it some kind of misplaced anger over that?
Two. If there is such a big weather machine, why do pigeons control it? Are you implying that there is some kind of pigeon conspiracy, J. May? Are pigeons, fucking pigeons, plotting to take over the world somehow? That they are secretly an advanced race that just pretends to be disease ridden rats with wings? That is seriously fucking nuts J. May and you should just be quiet already.
WE ARE DOOMED! THE PIGEON HORDES DESCEND!
Three. If this advanced flying rodent society has a potentially world destroying weather machine, like some sort of clichéd Bond villain, then they just came out of hiding, played their trump card to do what? Ruin one of your shows? Are you implying that your music is better than HUMANITY, J. May? What an arrogant piece of work you are. Typical of a conceited liar like you J. May, you foul smelling swine. Just, just go away, but before you do, follow Cody on Tumblr, LIKE YOU SAID YOU WOULD!
P.S to any John Mayer fans, or J. Maytriots, I may have offended, I sincerely do not apologise. Go and listen to something that isn’t John Mayer. The Arcade Fire have a new album out. Or maybe Melbourne’s The Cola Wars, or Megan Washington. Besides, it’s J. May’s fault for being a liar. And A Douche.
What a douche-y smile, you turd, J. May.
CONTEXT
All five of my regular reads must be wondering just what the hell I’m talking about. Well, if you click on all the links in this post, you will find an amusing story. Dr Mister Cody, fast becoming my third favourite blogger has a long running and entirely one sided feud with John Mayer. The reason being that when John Mayer joined Tumblr, he said he would follow anyone who followed him and reblogged one of his posts. Cody did so and J. May still hasn’t followed him. J. May is a lying douche.
If you like, start bugging J. May on Tumblr and/or Twitter to follow Cody. If he does it’ll be amazingly awesome.
Oh, what? Emma Watson? Yeah. Enjoy.
Sweet jesus, I am in love with her.
you’re hilarious! what do you think of emma’s new hair?
Ok you are a complete moron. The tweet about the pigeons was because a day or so before pigeons shit on Kings Of Leon and they stopped playing their set. That is why John said it was pigeons. You fucktard.
@hater…
Just wanted to check… you feel the need to complain about the pidgeon comment, but the fact that Mayer also believes the weather is controlled by a giant machine and is out to get him and him alone is fine?
Also, have you had your sense of humour surgically removed out of choice, or is it a requirement before you join the John Mayer fan club?
Just wondering…
I agree with everything you say. Everything. Keep doing what you’re doing, and since I’m currently unable to high-five you, I will stick to pressing my palm onto my monitor and yelling “Boo-yah!” Repeatedly.
IF you aren’t joking, I’m utterly horrified by this post. The fact that someone so literal could exist baffles the mind. But, if you really were 100% joking (maybe with a tinge of actual hatred for JM, that’s okay) and just deadpanning the whole thing, I applaud you. I can’t deny that I was concerned though… [: